The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
