saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
