: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
