Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Randomize
