pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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