when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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