I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
