Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
