Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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