So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
