I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
