someone threw a dead crab at me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
