Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
