I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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