the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
