im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize