I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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