Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
