he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
