This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
