He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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