Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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