Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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