Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
