I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
