just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
