Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
