Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
