she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
