youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
