So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
