You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
