i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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