phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
