Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
