It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Holy shit dude........stairs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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