listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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