You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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