What tipped you off? The sombrero?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
