I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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