he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
