My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
