...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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