i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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