He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
