Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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