saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
