I hate all girls vehemently.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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