so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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