Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
