I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
