fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize