I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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