Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize