I never want to see another naked old woman again.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
