my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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