My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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