Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
