i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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