i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
